


Little Boy Blue

by QueensEverywhere (Blodeuwedd)



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: M/M, angsty, if you want to cry you came to the right place, side Kamjie, sorry there's not really a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:15:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25722709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blodeuwedd/pseuds/QueensEverywhere
Summary: Brooke reflects on her relationship with Vanessa and what a sudden kiss on an ad means.Title is from the song used on the fic, "For Whom the Bell Tolls", by the Bee Gees.
Relationships: Brooke Lynn Hytes/Vanessa Vanjie Mateo
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	Little Boy Blue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [weStan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/weStan/gifts).



> I used their boy names because it felt more appropriate in this fic, but I mean no disrespect. It just fits better.
> 
> This fic was based on five sentence prompts, they're the ones in bold. It was a gift for a friend - love you, Taty!

_I stumble in the night  
Never really knew what it would've been like  
You're no longer there to break my fall  
The heartache over you  
I'd give it everything but I couldn't live through  
I never saw the signs  
You're the last to know when love is blind_

“You don’t look too good.”

Brock scoffs. Understatement of the year. He feels like shit. He’s got a throbbing headache, zero motivation to do anything except for cuddling with his cats and a huge hole in his heart. He feels lonely, all alone here in a city he just moved to, and neither his cats nor his friends and family only a phone call away, nor his fans who keep commenting on his social media posts, are enough to fill the void in his heart.

He doesn’t know how to put his emotions into words though. Nothing he could say would accurately translate what he feels. So he settles for a shrug and and murmured “I’m fine”.

His sister arches an eyebrow. “Are you sure about that?”

He gives her a weak smile. He doesn’t want her to worry. There’s nothing she can do from so far away. To be fair, there would be nothing she could do even if she was standing right next to him, except perhaps for giving him a hug. He’s pretty sure he’d burst into tears if anyone were to hug him right now though, so he’s almost glad he’s alone. He’s tired of crying. He’s done that more than enough already.

Lucky for him, she seems appeased for the moment and doesn’t insist. “What have you been up to?”

“Not much. Some projects here and there, cameos to do, but nothing significant. I’m trying to work out more often though.”

“Oh, are you trying to look buff like Kameron?”

He rolls his eyes. Great. So she’s seen it.

“No, just trying to be me.” In the back of his mind, however, he pauses and ponders. Is he?

“Hey, what happened to that guy you were seeing?”

He hates the question, but is glad to have a distraction from his own thoughts.

“Nah, that’s over.” He shakes his head. “It was never that serious anyway.” He wants to make sure she knows it’s fine. He’s fine. He doesn’t feel sad or lonely. Maybe if he convinces her he’ll be able to convince himself as well.

“Really? I thought it was pretty serious. He lasted longer than your flings usually do.”

He gasps in mock outrage. “Are you calling me a whore?”

“If the shoe fits.”

“Oh my god!” he yells, but laughs. 

She laughs with him, but sobers up quickly. “It’s about time you were serious about someone, don’t you think? I know your career has always been your priority, but you’re in a good place now. What’s stopping you from having an actual relationship?”

He looks to the side, avoiding her eyes, which seem to bore into his soul even through the screen. “It’s not that easy.”

“I never said it was. But I know it’s also worth it.”

He sighs, looking down to pet the cat on his lap, buying himself some time.

“It not like I can choose to fall in love with someone.”

She snorts. “Wouldn’t that be great? But I know you’ve been in love before. Did those feelings go away?”

She doesn’t have to say his name. He knows exactly who she’s referring to, of course. And god, does he wish the feelings had gone away. But no, they’re still there, still strong and sharp, cutting into his heart.

He shakes his head, swallowing the lump on his throat, trying this best not to start crying again. He doesn’t want to cry, doesn’t want to look pathetic and weak, doesn’t want her pitiful look and words of reassurance. He’s fine.

“So why not try again?” she all but whispers.

He shakes his head once more, still avoiding her eyes. “That ship has long sailed.”

“How come?”

The tears fill his eyes and his vision goes blurry. He takes a deep breath, which comes out shaky, and closes his eyes, and sure enough the treacherous tears roll down his cheeks.

**“I don’t think he loves me anymore.”**

_All the tears and the turbulent years  
When I would not wait for no-one  
Didn't stop and take a look at myself  
And see me losing you_

_When the lonely heart breaks  
It's the one that forsakes  
It's the dream that we stole  
And I'm missing you more  
Than the fire that will roar  
There's a hole in my soul  
For you it's goodbye  
For me it's to cry  
For whom the bell tolls_

**“I want us to start all over again.”**

He can’t believe he’s said that. Can barely believe he’s even thought that. But it’s true. He’s missed José so, so much. And maybe is true what they say, that it takes losing someone to really appreciate them. He’s lost him once. More than once, if he’s being honest. Well, not lost. More like actively drove him away. He wasn’t ready, he panicked and sabotaged their relationship. He was scared, and he doesn’t even know of what.

But that was months before. Years, even. He’s not like that anymore. He’s more mature, his life is different, and he’s ready. He has missed him so much and he can’t imagine letting him go again. It’s selfish, he knows. He knows José deserves better, deserves a boyfriend who’s always there, who’s loyal and faithful and who doesn’t get paranoid or claustrophobic when in a relationship. He deserves the world. And he knows he can’t give him the world, but he’s determined to try his best every single day. He’s different now, and he wants to grow even more, he wants to be worthy of him. He’s trying. So he puts it into words, finally asks what he’s sure is what both of them want.

“I want us to start all over again.”

“No.”

He freezes in place. It’s like everything else ceases to exist except the pair of brown eyes looking at him with pity. Time itself seems to have stopped and he can almost feel his heart breaking into a million pieces.

No, no, no. He can’t have heard it right. It can’t be. He didn’t say that, he can’t have said that.

“I’m sorry.” It’s said softly, in that voice that is reserved only for him. That _used to be_ reserved only for him. Now he wonders how many others will have the privilege to know his softer, calmer side. To hear him speak lowly, to watch him as he quietly looks at stuff on his phone, to rake his fingers through his soft hair as they cuddle in silence.

“Why?” he barely manages to whisper the question.

“You know it wouldn’t work. It never does.”

But this time is different, he wants to say. He’s different. He’s done with running away, with wanting freedom. He wants _him_. He _loves_ him.

But the words get stuck on his throat as an overwhelming fear takes over him. What if he’s right? What if he only thinks he’s changed, but in reality he’s still the same way he’s always been. What if he messes up again, like he always does? What if this time he messes up so much they can’t even stay friends?

So he nods, swallowing the knot on his throat.

He receives a sad smile in return, and a soft kiss on the lips. José’s crying and he can feel a few tears rolling down his own face too. He presses their foreheads together.

“I love you” he whispers. He does, so much, and he needs him to know that, even if he doesn’t want them to be together as a couple anymore. He deserves to know it.

“I know” he whispers back, smiling that radiating smile of his, and closes the gap between their lips once more. He kisses him back passionately, letting all his love for him pour out of him through that kiss. And maybe friends shouldn’t kiss like that, shouldn’t love like that, but what can he do about it? They just do sometimes.

_Seen you in a magazine  
A picture at a party where you shouldn't have been  
Hanging on the arm of someone else  
I'm still in love with you  
Won't you come back to your little boy blue  
I've come to feel inside  
This precious love was never mine_

He stares at the screen, dumbfounded. Did he just see what he thinks he saw? No way. No, of course not. And yet, as the video goes on, the image of that kiss stays ingrained in his mind. Then the video loops, showing him once more the clear image of his ex-boyfriend, who he’s still very much in love with, kissing another man. And not just any other man, his friend. A man he thought was his friend. 

He shakes his head to clear his head. He’s being paranoid, and he knows that. It was just a kiss. Friends kiss sometimes. He knows that, he’s kissed friends plenty of times. Plus, it was an ad for a TV show, of course they’d want to draw attention to that. It probably wasn’t even serious, maybe they were drunk, maybe they were playing spin the bottle, maybe the others had dare them, maybe a bit of all of that. Yeah, that was it. A dare. Nothing serious. Just a kiss.

Except he knows they’ve both had crushes on each other for years. They find each other attractive, they’ve both said so several times. So what if they’d finally gone there? What if timing had been right this time and they’d actually hooked up? What if they had actually started a relationship, something serious? Oh my god, was that why José had said no to a relationship with him, because he was seeing someone else, thinking of entering a new relationship with someone else? Were they together right now? Were they kissing, fucking, cuddling, loving each other and laughing at him, at his pathetic attempt of being a better person when everyone knew for sure he wasn’t capable of that? 

He takes deep breaths, attempting to center himself, to make his heart stop racing, but all he keeps seeing even with his eyes closed is that kiss, over and over again. 

He closes Instagram and opens YouTube. Maybe watching a silly video of cute cats will help. But no matter how much he tries, there’s only one thing on his mind now.

Giving up, he opens Instagram again, finds the video and DMs it to his Kameron. He can’t confront him directly, he doesn’t dare to; he knows he has no right to feel angry or jealous. So he plays it safe.

_Were you playing spin the bottle?_ \- he sends, followed by an emoji with the tongue out. A joke, it’s a joke. And it’s fine, because he’s in on it, he isn’t the butt of the joke. He is fine with it.

_lol_ \- comes the answer, which does nothing to calm his nerves. What kind of non-answer is that? It doesn’t say anything! And now he can’t insist or ask more questions, or for sure he’ll seem like a lunatic. It doesn’t matter. They’re friends. They’re all friends. Right?

_Now I know but a little too late  
That I could not live without you  
In the dark or the broad daylight  
I promise I'll be there_

“I just don’t understand” he tells his sister, once he finally manages to get his tears under control “ **why didn’t he come and talk to me himself?** I would have understood. I just feel... betrayed. Blind-sighted. I mean, he could have told me they’d kissed. There’s nothing wrong with that, I’ve kissed plenty of my friends, I wouldn’t have been mad.”

“Maybe he just didn’t want to alarm you. You said it yourself, it was probably nothing, so why tell you? Maybe he even forgot about it.”

He snorts. No way he’d forget that. Not telling him had been deliberate. But why? 

“Unless it _is_ serious” he continues “and that’s exactly why he didn’t tell me.”

“Why don’t you just ask him?”

“I can’t do that!” he says, horrified. The mere thought of putting himself in that position, only to be humiliated, is already eating him alive. “I can’t ask him, he’ll think I’m jealous!”

“And you clearly are!”

“But he can’t know that! I told him I was ok with being just friends, I can’t go back on my word. Plus, I’ve already asked Kameron. Twice.”

“Oh, and what did he say?”

_When the lonely heart breaks  
It's the one that forsakes  
It's the dream that we stole  
And I'm missing you more  
Than the fire that will roar  
There's a hole in my soul  
For you it's goodbye  
For me it's to cry  
For whom the bell tolls_

He manages to distract himself for a while, though the image of the kiss still comes back to his mind uninvited sometimes. And then, it gets worse. 

They post another video, and suddenly it’s much more than a kiss. They’re sitting close together, laughing, and talking about a relationship? What the hell? He drops the phone on the couch, feeling his hands sweat as panic takes over him. 

Deep breaths, he reminds himself. In and out. In and out. This is fine. He is fine. This is what they agreed on, what they both want. Just friends. It is fine.

Except it isn’t fine at all and he needs answers. Immediately.

_now hold on a minute_ \- he sends, still trying to joke around.

_lol jealous much?_ \- comes the reply. He paces around the living room. It is fine. He is fine. In and out. In and out.

_Just curious_ \- he replies, quickly followed by another message - _Did you really had a fling?_

_Not a fling_

He stares at the reply, feeling nauseous.

_We’re totally in love_

What? WHAT? WHAAAAAAAAT?

_Wedding is next month_

Oh. It’s a joke. Kam’s joking. Of course, he is. Isn’t he?

But they say every joke has a bit of truth in it. He sends a quick reply - _congrats lol_ \- and sets his phone aside, biting his lip. It’s a joke. Nothing serious. Nothing for him to worry about. It is fine. He is fine.

_Now I know there'll be times like this  
When I couldn't reach out to no-one  
Am I never gonna find someone  
Who knows me like you do  
Are you leaving me a helpless child  
When it took so long to save me  
Fight the devil and the deep blue sea  
I'll follow you anywhere  
I promise I'll be there_

_Heard you’re getting married_

He feels better now that he’s in on the joke again. He’s teasing. He knows he’ll get teased back. It’s their favorite form of flirting. 

Except he gets no reply. He wonders if maybe he’s busy, but then he checks the message and there’s the confirmation that he’s seen it. He just chose not to answer him. 

_I can officiate the wedding for you lol_

Maybe if makes it clear he doesn’t care he’ll get an answer?

It takes over an hour, but there it is again, that word, mocking him. _Seen_. 

He’s seen it, but not answered. Why?

_Kameron told me you two are an item_ \- he tries once more to get a reply. Why won’t he answer him? Is he mad? Does he hate him now? Or is he just... busy... with someone else? 

Suddenly Kam’s joke doesn’t seem so funny anymore. Was she even joking at all? She had to be, right? For sure they’re not getting married. But what if the reality isn’t that they aren’t together at all, but rather that they are indeed dating, just not about to get married yet. Yet. Oh, god.

In and out. In and out. It’s fine. He’s fine.

**_So you’re giving me the silent treatment now?_ **\- One last try. Just one last attempt to get a reply. He adds a tongue-out emoji. He doesn’t want him thinking he’s actually mad (he is though, who is he trying to fool?).

Since he’s being left on read, he decides to ask the one person who is actually replying to him.

_Just so we’re clear, not that I mind at all_ \- he hopes Kam can’t notice how blatantly he’s lying via text - _but what actually happened between you two? Seriously_

_I just want to know how much I can joke about it_ \- another clear lie, but he doesn’t have the energy in himself to even attempt to appear nonchalant anymore.

_We kissed. It’s in the video._

He takes a deep, calming breath. They kissed. That’s all. Nothing more.

_You don’t mind, do you?_

Doesn’t he? If someone had asked him before he’d say of course not, but now that’s he actually seen that clip... He has to admit, even if only to himself, that yes, he does care. He knows he shouldn’t, that they’re over and done with, but he still cares. He still loves him. And this hurts a lot more than he ever thought possible, way more than it’s ever hurt before.

_Of course not_ \- he’s admitting his feelings to himself, and himself only.

_Good. Because I’m not gonna lie, I like him. But you’re my friend, so I didn’t want to overstep. But I’m glad you’re cool with it._

Wait, hold up, no no no no no. He’s not cool with it. He’s absolutely, completely, totally, 100% not cool with it. Damn it!

_Sure_

What else can he say? He screwed up way too many times. He lost any claim he had a long time ago. All that’s left for him to do is wallow in self-pity. Why did he have to be so stupid?

_When the lonely heart breaks  
It's the one that forsakes  
It's the dream that we stole  
And I'm missing you more  
Than the fire that will roar  
There's a hole in my soul  
For you it's goodbye  
For me it's to cry  
For whom the bell tolls _

“I’m sorry” his sister says, trying to comfort him. 

He just shrugs, sniffing and drying his tears on his sleeve.

“Maybe you just need closure” she adds.

“What do you mean?”

“Tell him how you feel. How you truly feel. Lay all the cards on the table. If it works, great, if not, you can move on. But at least you won’t be wondering what if.”

“Last time I did that he shut me down.”

“From what you told me, you agreed to be just friends. And then you made jokes about him kissing Kameron. He probably thinks you’re ok with this whole situation.”

She’s right, he knows it. But does he want to open his heart again? Is he willing to risk it? He doesn’t know if there would be anything left of it if he turned him down again.

They hang up, his sister suddenly having to go deal with her younger kids, and he stares at his phone, trying to summon up his courage.

Right. He can do it. He’s going to do it. Right now.

_I wish you had told me yourself._ \- He doesn’t even know what he’s going to write before he’s writing, but it feels right. - _I think I deserved that much at least. I know I made mistakes, but I do love you. I still love you. And that hurt. I wish you had told me so I would have been more prepared for it. Anyway, I talked to Kameron. She said she likes you. That’s good. I’m happy for you. It’s what you deserve, someone who can give you all the love in the world. I tried, but I failed. It’s ok. I’m not going to lie, it really hurts, but I guess that’s what - I - deserve. I just wanted you to know I still love you. And I wish you’d told me._

****  
  


He locks the phone and sets it aside. He doesn’t want it next to him, mocking him when he doesn’t get a reply. He decides some meditation will do him good. It helps, his hearts lot calmer than it was before, but it all goes down the drain when he picks up his phone again and see there’s a reply. Or rather, several.

_Are you serious right now?_

_You had your chance_

_And what makes you think Kam and I are really together?_

_You didn’t ask me, did you?_

_**You’ve only heard his point of view. You never asked mine.** _

_Not that I have to explain myself to you anyway. It’s my life._

He doesn’t have an answer for that. José is right, it’s none of his business. If only it didn’t hurt so much.

_You’re right. I’m sorry. I just needed you to know I still love you._ \- He feels his nose itch and his eyes and his eyes fill up and quickly sniffles and blinks the tears away. No more crying. It’s time to move on.

_Don’t worry, I’ll be out of your life now_. - He doesn’t even have time to lock his phone again before it starts buzzing in his hand with an upcoming videocall.

Oh, shit, he looks terrible. He runs a hand through his hair and sits up straight. He might as well at least appear presentable.

“Hi.” His voice is soft and his eyes are full of tenderness and it nearly makes him cry again.

“Hi.” What else can he say?

“I don’t want you out of my life.”

He bites his lip, feeling self-conscious. “No?”

José rolls his eyes in that way that is so him, so familiar, that his heart aches. “You’re so fucking dramatic. Of course I don’t! You know I think you’re my soulmate. Just… sometimes soulmates are just friends. And that’s ok. Right?”

He nods, giving him a slight smile. “Right.” He sighs. “We never really got the timing right, did we?”

His loud laughter makes him warm all over. “Guess not. But hey, who knows? Maybe someday.”

“Yeah. Maybe.”

It’s not much, but it’s enough for now. He’ll take a ‘maybe’ over a ‘no’ any day. And, well, ‘soulmates’ does sound better than ‘just friends’.


End file.
